A Letter To Reise...

My Dear Sweet Baby Reise,

As I look at you now in your bassinet swing, attempting a fake cry as you remain asleep, I love you so much it hurts somewhere deep in my chest and my throat starts to tighten.  You are 3 days shy of being a month old and I honestly didn’t know how I would like being a mother before you came along.  Deep deep down inside of me I was scared; scared I wouldn’t be able to love you like a child deserves, scared I would somehow be like my own mother and fail you completely.  You see, I never really thought of myself as “mother material” before.  All my wanderlust, large ambitions, and defying independence made you seem impossible.  When your Dad and I talked about having you, we made promises that you would only add to our dreams and we would share them with you instead of losing ourselves.  When I say “losing ourselves”, I think we both probably meant me “losing myself” because that has always been one of my greatest fears of commitment.  I’m pretty strong willed when it comes to what I want to do and achieve and committing myself to your Dad and to having you is something that I’m not sure anyone ever thought I would be able to do.  Several people have told me throughout my life though that I would "make a great mother someday".  I think they saw that I have the ability to act and exist with any age; not as in immaturity, but as in an endless imagination; even now at 27.  I look forward to being young together.  

I wont lie to you now... It took nearly all of the first three weeks of your life to really bond with you; but I knew when it finally happened… I looked at your innocent face, your wandering eyes, your facial expressions that will someday give way to real meaning and emotions and then it hit me so hard tears burned in my eyes then warmed my cheeks. 

Now, even at your infant age, I’m suddenly starting to realize that you are going to be a walking talking little human being before I know it and you will likely get many bumps and bruises, (if you’re anything like your parents), and you will cry and my heart will break as I do my best to kiss and bandage your wounds and make it better.  Then you will start elementary school soon and there will be kids who will be cruel to you and make you feel badly about yourself, and you will come home and cry and my heart will break all over again as I try to teach you how to be strong and rise above it and convince you of your self worth and beauty, (and share with you my REAL life ugly duckling stories and the bullying I had to go through until I could find my inner swan).  Then you will be a teenager soon and some immature young man will give you your first heartbreak and I will hold you in my arms while you cry as the mascara I think you don’t need streaks down your face and my heart will break as I try to convince you that there are other fish in the sea; better ones who will appreciate, adore, and love you the way you deserve, although you likely wont believe me at the time.  And then you might marry someday, (it seems too soon already), and you might call me crying through the arguments and heartaches in your marriage, and my ancient heart will still break for my baby, for my sweet baby adult woman as I try to help you to realize that these hard times will make you stronger… That everyday is a lesson with something to be learned from it… And to never close your eyes, never settle for less, and only accept being with people who lift you up, inspire you, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  I will wish for you the very best life has to offer while knowing that to have rainbows you will have to deal with the rain first.  I can only have hopes that as a mother, I can guide you in the right direction, teach you valuable life lessons, nourish and provide for you while you are in my care to make you a strong and healthy woman, and hope that I’ve done well enough that you may go on to have great memories and a very happy life full of love and adventure.

You will teach me so much more than what I can imagine… You already have.  Thank you for showing me what a mother’s love feels like.  I will gladly take all the tears and heartaches that are coming to me in trade for all the smiles, laughter, and memories we will share.  I love you.

~Mom

There are so many things I wish for you Munchkin...

That you "continue to" eat well...

That you show your beautiful smile often...

That you speak kindly and honestly to others,
and listen with an open heart and mind...

That you take the time to enjoy the little things in life...

That you cherish and appreciate those closest
to you...

And that those closest to you cherish and
appreciate you in return...

That life gives you many opportunities and
you embrace them and travel often...

That you realize no dream is too big...

So that you never stop reaching for the stars...

So dream big little one...

And realize that in my eyes,
you will always be my baby girl.